I am back to where I was months ago... confused, displeased and overwhelmingly lost. After some issues surrounding personal relationships, a lackluster feeling surrounding my job and a messy apartment (really?!?!) I have come to the conclusion I need to stop waiting to become the person I want to be... and do it. Unlike every other time I have tried this and given up, yes this time I THINK I have a refreshing outlook on it. Instead of doing everything at once, I am taking it a small step at a time. I have been listening to a lot Brooklyn Rider lately. They are an amazing string quartet and I realized that my life is like one of their practice sessions. They all have their own beautifully haunting part. I am certain if one person is absent because of illness of a family emergency (do those even happen in hip string bands?) they still practice, they still create and they don't stop dead in their tracks because ONE piece of who they are is not there.
This takes me to another point... who the hell am I? Who do I want to become? Am I already that person? Whose expectations and I trying to live up to. Honestly, I know that a large part of this who issue is that I am not happy with the way I have "forsaken " (so dramatic I know...) who I WAS. I was a painter, a writer, a photographer, a designer, and a musician... now I am a sales person. The reality though is that this is part of being a grownup ... I think the embrace that as a reality. Instead of focusing on how to grow those talents outside of work I have become lazy. I have EVEN let myself get fat (GASP).
What is my next step? Work on each part of my masterpiece - one at a time. Right now, I am cleaning out my apartment. Next step, sell off or give away all the crap I don't need. Third, redecorate - use some of my creativity to make my living space a work of art and then third... take a painting and writing class. While this won't "solve my issue" I think it will allow me to feel like I am gaining some headway. Look, my job is my job right? It pays the bills, I get SOME satisfaction out of it and I can't complain about the commission I make. Instead though of letting it define me I will use the resources it provides me with (i.e. money and a somewhat flexible schedule after December 31st) to define myself.
So.... what were my steps again?
1. De clutter my life.
2. Redecorate my living space.
3. Reinvigorate my zeal for painting and writing with a couple community college classes.
Side Note: I realized I became so obsessed with going back to grad school and WHAT would be practical to study that I forgot that I actually needed to enjoy SOME of it to get through 2 - 3 years of hard studying. I am not going to take that step until I figure out what the heck I am going to want to do with my life.
Now... some beautiful music that I am listening to whilst cleaning my place....